Ten things I don’t hate about PTSD either.

Fuck. After Brian employed Siobhan to find 10 good things about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, she told me about it, and then employed me to do the same.

While she had put time, thought and effort into coming up with her list, I am unable to do that.

My PTSD has me always in the present.

So when people are getting ready to leave a place, I can’t think that I should start my car with the remote I finally have for it to warm it up because I’m too focused on if we are going to hug goodbye and that I have to be ready for it if we are, because I have to make sure you like me and I’m doing this socializing thing correctly.
That literally just happened to me.

Like in my last post, I said it is really hard for me to think ahead because I’m so caught up in that silly old fight or flight nonsense every waking moment of the day. It’s also difficult for me to think back to anything (say, like thinking about Siobhan asking me to think of ways PTSD is good). I wouldn’t dream that was possible, until I read her post.

choose to become

So, I’m giving it a shot. Here goes:

  1. I am always present for my kitties. I know exactly how they are feeling (and if they are about to strike, like my older cat constantly does), and how many dots are on their nose at all times.
  2. I know what is wrong with me at all times. This one’s handy for building up my ability to get my needs met. I always know when I am uncomfortable and should ask for something to be different. Whether I do or not is completely up to me.
  3. I always know that there is not a person hiding in my backseat. I check pretty much every time I get in my vehicle. You know, whenever someone could be hiding back there.
  4. I have a severe empathy for other people. I know what it feels like to be broken, to be lost, to be scared and to feel alone. I can make that space for you and tell you I understand.
  5. am a caretaker to the hurt. I am the friend that will support you, that will cheer you up when you are sad, mad, upset, whatever. I am always aware of every little change in energy, and now, I know that that energy is not always being sent my way, and I can help people out of it.
  6. I have been a survivor for a really long time. I can show you how I got out of that when everything seemed insurmountable and every emotion seemed too hard to feel.
  7. I know who to watch out for. I can tell a change in tone in an instant. I know when someone is about to get loud and aggressive. I do not play that shit, and I do not allow my friends to deal with it either.
  8. I love the shit out of fun. I went through so many years being depressed and laying in bed watching TV. Now, I will go pretty much anywhere for a good time, and I bring the good time with me. It will not be dull around me. As you can see from our first blog post, #nofilter.
  9. I have suffered almost all there is to suffer. I have seen jails, mental institutions and rehabs, and I’ve never been in them. I’ve experienced the loss of both my parents. I have had crippling anxiety and depression and alcoholism and sex addiction and, and, and. My worst circumstances were as a child. There is no stopping me. It is only up from here.
  10. I go to great lengths and have big dreams. I have seen the depths of human emotion. I will stop at nothing to see the brightest of them. I will be a traveling editor. Watch me.
  11. I even have a bonus one! I go hardcore at my spirituality. I never stop growing, learning about myself and how I can become a better human to myself and the people around me. And this might be the best gift I have ever gotten!

healing

The Spiritual Side

This post is where I get real. To get real with me, I need you to open your mind, and let go of what you believe if that belief does not include God-coincidences.

Because last night, I awakened. Again.

I had my hopes wayy high up about getting this editing gig at a really established company. This is what I want to do with my life, but I’ve been super lazy about working on getting better at my craft -like I never have. I thought getting a degree would teach me everything I needed to know. Turns out, the ONLY relevant class I ever took was in Australia, and I was not exactly dedicated. I was in the greatest country, experiencing the coolest things, just by walking outside my door. I did not have the motivation to put my all into my class work. I was there to have fun. My bad.

But it all led me to this moment, where I didn’t get the job, even when the owner was rooting for me to get it after speaking with him on the phone. My skills just were not up to par. Because I have never practiced, honed, or worked on making them better.

My naive little self thought that my talents were enough to get me by in life. Not so.
So, I was a bit devastated, and thought all the negative things I could think, just to really drag me down. So I sat, watching The Good Place and wising I was there instead. I tried to shake it off and read “The Freelancer’s Bible,”  but every time they wrote of some idea that is part of your career as a freelancer, I would think to myself, “You’ll never be able to do that.”

What a crock.

I had scheduled to hang with my Buddhist friend and chant together, so I dusted my self-pity off and went to her house. My spirits were lifted within minutes of speaking to this girl, as they always are, and for that, I love her dearly.

After leaving her house though, I felt saddened again. The wave was coming back, trying to pull me under. Luckily, I met up with some friends from another spiritual practice of mine – and boy, did they let me bitch!

It was going on 10 pm when they finally said, okay, time to go home now.

And as I was pulling away to go home and mope some more about how stuck I am and why can’t I believe things will get better for me, it instantly hit me.

I WANT ATTENTION. Negative, positive; it doesn’t matter -as long as I can play the victim, which I am tremendous at.

So now, I am awake to that fact and can change it. I can decide I want attention for the things I am doing good at, for the things I can accomplish in life.

I was under the smoke-screen of resolving to live a life as a nuisance, as someone always trying, but never actually achieving the goals they want in life, who they want to become.

No longer! I am taking full responsibility, as best I can on any given day, for MY LIFE. And it feels sooo good. Not at all as scary as my mind makes it out to be.

So, my friends, I wish you the same clarity, and the same determination. To make your life whatever you truly want it to be!

And, it’s not just words. I put this thinking into action immediately. I began reading the tools that came from the proofreading course I signed up for. The thoughts again, came at me, that I am just not good enough. I dashed those instantly. I emailed the company and asked why they didn’t hire me and what I can improve on. And, you know what? The owner replied this morning and gave a heartfelt wish of sorrow that we could not work together, and helped me see what I can do better for the next interview!

Follow your heart, and you will never be disappointed.

 

No Filter.

This blog is one part silly, one part professional, one part concerned citizen of the globe, and 7 parts my best friend and I being complete loons because you only go around this blue dot once, my friends!

To kick it off, I’d like to introduce you to our hang session last night.

But first, some context.

I am a 27-year-old, reasonably attractive white female that grew up in “the hoods” of Buffalo, NY. My friend Siobhan (pronounced See-oh-bun). Actually, she’s super Irish, gingered to the max (literally Kiss My Ass, I’m Irish tattoo on her a$$), so it’s Shove on. She’s a gorgeous, know-it-all (but really, she knows how to do everything, but is humble as shit about everything) nut from the great, strange state of Florida. We’ve both lived some very interesting lives. We find humor in the dreadful. Enjoy.

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This bitch is leaving me after I only just found her. She fell in straight up tinder love. Her match made in Wi-Fi heaven is moving to North Carolina in a few days. She’s packing up her brood of incredibly sweet, smart, well-behaved (because they have no other choice, mom’s a hard-ass) funny, strange, beautiful children with her. (I also hate her for this.)

She is doing the whole lesbian thing. Rented the Uhaul before the second date was even over, had amazing 4-hours of lamp-breaking sex, told mom about said sex. Okay, I might have made up one of those (hint: Siobhan is getting a tattoo of a broken lamp on her sometime soon), but they are surely moving down to NC together, so I HAD to meet this fantastical mystery tinder lover, and now you can too.

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Que last night: I meet her, I hug her, I ask her how old she is and how the armed robbery she witnessed the night before was. Siobhan said she already warned her about me. That I am her, without a filter.

Before her girlfriend, Casey, came over, we were chatting about my sex life, and how I have taken a hiatus from the male species for one year since my last break up. It’s been about 6 months, and I was telling Siobhan how difficult it can be. Not because I’m lonely, gawd no! Because I’m horny! 😉 Here’s a tidbit of our convo:

Siobhan: So, this guy downstairs, what’s been going on?
Rebecca: Well, he’s living with his mom, he’s vegetarian, andd I’m not dating right now.
Siobhan: I don’t think that’s in the correct order. Anyway, what have you been doing as a substitute?
Rebecca: (full of excitement) I’m masturbating!!
Siobhan: hahahaha, I meant spiritually!

Hilarity continues to ensue when we are together. That’s our blog.