Relationships: was it that bad?

 

I recently broke it off with an ex and kicked him out of my apartment and I was/am asking myself that question. Other people are asking me this question. What about all the good? Remember how he cleaned the apartment top to bottom because he knew he fucked up? Remember all the nice things he said? Remember how good it was in the beginning?

My amazing, wise, caring, best friend Siobhan asked me the question I needed to hear: do you really want a relationship where you’re asking, was it really that bad? Or do you want a relationship where it’s really that good?

This was an ex from 6 years ago.  We tried multiple times over the years to make it work.  We were addicted to each other. I knew this, I knew I didn’t trust him.  He shattered that the first time we dated when he cheated on me. But still, he said all the right things. He loved me, he would spend the rest of our lives making it up to me, he would do anything for me.

I was on my celibacy game and going strong.  Never had I felt more at peace with who I was as a person, never had I been happier in my life with my life.  I didn’t have the best job, or even a job.  I had gig work and unemployment.  I didn’t have my parents, but I had amazing parental figures in my family and my support groups.  But most importantly, I had amazing friends that loved me and I loved.  And I had my independence in my dependence upon God.  I was living the fucking dream as far as this previously suicidal, anti social depressive was concerned.

And then, this person came back into my life when I was not looking for it.  And all the signs were there: he was kind, loving, attentive, spiritual, fucked up just enough so I could save him (a gold mine to someone who grew up in an abusive household) and he was funny.  Everything I wanted.

So I quick moved him in so we could just be happy forever all the time.

We made big purchases, (well, I did and he, truthfully, hopefully, said he would pay me back) we had incredible sex, and we laughed.  He asked me to marry him, and I thought I was going to.

The honeymoon stage did not last long.

 

Pretty soon, I was skipping my regular self care, my therapy appointments, my nights with my girls. I was blissfully happy, what did I need to do all that extra stuff for anymore? Here’s where I always fuck up.

The person, let’s call him person x, he becomes my reason for living, for waking up each day, for happiness. And if person x does not deliver, I’m fucking screwed.

Well, person x began not to deliver.  We would get into little stupid disagreements and x would never be wrong, about anything.  Person x would start to raise their voice at me.  Person x would be a little shit. And I would hope it would be better tomorrow.

Well, I kicked person X out.  I told him, “First things first, you don’t live here anymore.”

He tried for days, non stop texting, Facebook, you tube, drew me a picture with a crazy note on the back. Every attempted interaction was difficult to see.  I saw him being pathetic and crazy and I saw me being pathetic and crazy.

We were both looking so hard for the promise of the first few weeks, but it just wasn’t there anymore.

 

I went out to Coco with friends when he was doing dishes and trying to figure out the right combination of words to make me make him stay.  There weren’t any.

I wanted to drink, just in a wouldn’t it be nice if I could drink this pain away way.
But I got to see a whole other world of normies just talking.  

A young women, 23, who has never had a boyfriend because she knows she needs to be picky because she’d give the guy the world.
There are other options, other than intense passionate crazy false love.
And I’m choosing that.

I chose that when I sat at Siobhan’s kitchen table and told her I was scared of him.
I chose that when I talked it through with Shikha and chanted for the right answer for me.
I chose that when I went, livid pissed, to the meeting with the publisher instead of screaming and fighting after he stole my car.

I am choosing me. Because while the crazy, passionate false love is fun, it is not sustainable.

I want to grow up today. Into the person with dignity and real love through boundaries that my higher power has laid out a path for me to become.

I still have to get my money back. Then I will allow him to get his things.

I am very proud of myself for standing my ground when my caretaker part of me wants to tell him to come back, that he can just stay with me for awhile.

I got my keys and my car keys from him and I didn’t listen to the bullshit coming through the phone.

And I am becoming the woman I want to be.

I’m also grieving the promise of love.  

 

The promise of connection and togetherness.  The promise of someone who will always be there for me no matter what.  The promise of understanding and comfort.

It is painful when those promises are lies. It is why people stay when there is so much evidence to the contrary. When they do not support, love or respect you, because at one time, they did. Maybe they can again, if I just… fill in the blank.

I’m hopefully over that wishful thinking. At least, every relationship I get better and quicker at figuring it out. I’m here to break away from my past and stop repeating the codependent bullshit I grew up with. My mother was a saint, a martyr, but she was never happy with herself. I’m doing work to change that, to change my karma and to do the thing I was put on this earth to do, to love rightly.

Love,
Rebecca A. Dombrowksi

I Don’t Take My Own Advice #2 – Sex, relationships, birth control

NOT A FEMINIST VLOG. We are both proud feminists, but that is not all we want our vlog to be. We are kooky, fun, introspective and wise. We will answer any of your questions and have fun with it!

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My Gilmore Girl

One of my biggest regrets to date was marrying my ex-husband when my daughter was too young to have a say in the decision. Before that union it was just the two of us, me and my girl. As a young, single mom with a beautiful, baby girl it was pretty easy to see us as the start of real life Gilmore Girls. I did my best to protect that special bond with her, even during the lowest parts of my marriage and the absolute blessing of my two sons. Unfortunately I didn’t always succeed in investing as much time in that bond as she deserved. After “the split” I viewed this new chapter as an opportunity to recommit to the individual relationships I have with all three of my children. Especially the little girl who taught me how to be a mom when I barely knew how to be an adult.

 

When I began to fall for my incredible girlfriend Casey, one of the first conversations I had with the brood was expressing to them that this was an “us” decision. I wanted to make sure that I learned from my first mistake and actively took to heart the fact that anyone that’s dating me is also dating them. When the bigs (my two oldest) and I sat down for a family meeting regarding the possibility of Casey moving in I empowered them with the freedom to always express to me any misgivings they felt. That if they felt uncomfortable at anytime with this new situation to come to me immediately. So when my sweet little Raven cuddled up to me one night and reminded me of this conversation I was nervous, but all ears.

 

“You told us that we should tell you if we ever have bad feelings about you and Casey, right?” Raven cautiously questioned. With my heart in my throat but my voice tempered, I assured her and asked for her to elaborate. Raven went on to tell me that she missed us, her and I. That she felt as though I didn’t have time to hangout with her ever since Casey moved in. Knowing she was probably right I sated my desire to self-criticize, and instead made a date. Tuesday nights would now be girls night, full of her choice of mindless television and self-care.

 

This week it was Project Mc2 and silver sparkle nail polish for her and bright red on me. Let’s start off with her television choice, this particular Netflix Original is about a group of teenage agents who work for an all-female secret spy network, so far so good. Actually, in all honesty it was pretty good as far as kids shows go. In one scene where the focus was on the team member whose specialty is combining chemistry and cooking, Raven told me how she wants to be a scientist when she grows up. When asked what kind of science she was interested in, my seven-year-old responded with Chemistry. Unsurprised by the coincidence I inquired further and she explained that she wanted to make things. I questioned if she meant inventor instead and her rebuttal was that she didn’t want recreate things that already existed but rather she wanted to create completely new things out of nothing. That she wanted to do science magic. This back and forth is a large contributor as to why I am now a fan of this show.

 

With the final credits rolling up the screen, freshly painted nails fully dry, and the clock nearing 9:30, I directed her to finish her chocolate milk and scurry off to bed. As she leaned in for a goodnight hug and kiss she stopped short looked me in the eye and said, “Thank you for listening.” There are those few moments where all of my self-doubt and internal self-deprecation have no choice but to shut the hell up; this was a big one. I know that I will never do this whole parenting thing perfect, nor will I ever be able to go back and alter past decisions, but at least if I can hold on to those four words expressed by one of the kindest creatures I have ever known, there’s a chance we might be doing alright.

Orphaned at 26

Hey guys, I’m about to get real again. I know, I hate it too.

We had an overwhelmingly great time with my mom’s cousins and aunt that came in to Niagara Falls from California this weekend. They are beautiful, kind and courageous people, and I am honored to call them family. We had so many generations of incredible Italian people there. From great-grand kids to grand kids, and all the aunts and uncles one could hope for.

But I really miss my mom and saw her in all their eyes. We all have the same beautiful, large brown eyes in the Ruggerio family.

My mom passed away from metastatic breast cancer in September of 2016.

It feels like yesterday, one second ago, and forever that I have not had my mom on this earth, all at the same time. My heart has been broken open and there’s a gaping hole where she used to fit.

When my father passed 4, almost 5 years ago… wow. When my father passed, it was truly not as heart-breaking. I hadn’t really considered him a father for a many number of years before then anyway. But you can never, ever, replace the love of a mother.

There is no one that will ever support me in the endearing, enduring, never-ending loving way that my mommy has.
I have amazing support, between my aunts, my grandmas, don’t even get me started on my sister; along with my sponsor and my Buddhist members and leaders in the organization. I have so much support around me. If only I knew how to reach out and get it.

My father beat my mother and I pretty badly. The physical abuse was nothing compared to the psychologically damaging torture he threw our way with his words. It broke our psyches, our spirits and our self-esteem. We were shells of people living and bumping against one another in painful ways after my parents FINALLY divorced.

We did not know how to give or receive love for a long time.

Until I found the strength from the stars to end my period of not speaking with my mother, and everything suddenly changed. She was no longer the tormentor of my life, she was my frail, beautiful mommy that gave up her own life for her children’s.

I started chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo at the same time that I was seeing her again. Our relationship changed into one where I just wanted to take care of her and be there for her, as best I could.

She even chanted with me. And she was a devout Catholic. (She was studying to be a nun before she met my father.)

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I really just needed to write about my mom. I miss her like crazy, I feel like there is no point to living without her, but I carry her love with me and it keeps me going.

I have to be happy for her. I love you mommy. Goodnight.