Relationships: was it that bad?

 

chalk break up

I recently broke it off with an ex and kicked him out of my apartment and I was/am asking myself that question. Other people are asking me this question. What about all the good? Remember how he cleaned the apartment top to bottom because he knew he fucked up? Remember all the nice things he said? Remember how good it was in the beginning?

My amazing, wise, caring, best friend Siobhan asked me the question I needed to hear: do you really want a relationship where you’re asking, was it really that bad? Or do you want a relationship where it’s really that good?

This was an ex from 6 years ago.  We tried multiple times over the years to make it work.  We were addicted to each other. I knew this, I knew I didn’t trust him.  He shattered that the first time we dated when he cheated on me. But still, he said all the right things. He loved me, he would spend the rest of our lives making it up to me, he would do anything for me.

I was on my celibacy game and going strong.  Never had I felt more at peace with who I was as a person, never had I been happier in my life with my life.  I didn’t have the best job, or even a job.  I had gig work and unemployment.  I didn’t have my parents, but I had amazing parental figures in my family and my support groups.  But most importantly, I had amazing friends that loved me and I loved.  And I had my independence in my dependence upon God.  I was living the fucking dream as far as this previously suicidal, anti social depressive was concerned.

And then, this person came back into my life when I was not looking for it.  And all the signs were there: he was kind, loving, attentive, spiritual, fucked up just enough so I could save him (a gold mine to someone who grew up in an abusive household) and he was funny.  Everything I wanted.

So I quick moved him in so we could just be happy forever all the time.

We made big purchases, (well, I did and he, truthfully, hopefully, said he would pay me back) we had incredible sex, and we laughed.  He asked me to marry him, and I thought I was going to.

The honeymoon stage did not last long.

 

Pretty soon, I was skipping my regular self care, my therapy appointments, my nights with my girls. I was blissfully happy, what did I need to do all that extra stuff for anymore? Here’s where I always fuck up.

The person, let’s call him person x, he becomes my reason for living, for waking up each day, for happiness. And if person x does not deliver, I’m fucking screwed.

Well, person x began not to deliver.  We would get into little stupid disagreements and x would never be wrong, about anything.  Person x would start to raise their voice at me.  Person x would be a little shit. And I would hope it would be better tomorrow.

falselove

Well, I kicked person X out.  I told him, “First things first, you don’t live here anymore.”

He tried for days, non stop texting, Facebook, you tube, drew me a picture with a crazy note on the back. Every attempted interaction was difficult to see.  I saw him being pathetic and crazy and I saw me being pathetic and crazy.

We were both looking so hard for the promise of the first few weeks, but it just wasn’t there anymore.

 

I went out to Coco with friends when he was doing dishes and trying to figure out the right combination of words to make me make him stay.  There weren’t any.

I wanted to drink, just in a wouldn’t it be nice if I could drink this pain away way.
But I got to see a whole other world of normies just talking.  

A young women, 23, who has never had a boyfriend because she knows she needs to be picky because she’d give the guy the world.
There are other options, other than intense passionate crazy false love.
And I’m choosing that.

Fake_Love_Quotes5

I chose that when I sat at Siobhan’s kitchen table and told her I was scared of him.
I chose that when I talked it through with Shikha and chanted for the right answer for me.
I chose that when I went, livid pissed, to the meeting with the publisher instead of screaming and fighting after he stole my car.

I am choosing me. Because while the crazy, passionate false love is fun, it is not sustainable.

I want to grow up today. Into the person with dignity and real love through boundaries that my higher power has laid out a path for me to become.

I still have to get my money back. Then I will allow him to get his things.

I am very proud of myself for standing my ground when my caretaker part of me wants to tell him to come back, that he can just stay with me for awhile.

I got my keys and my car keys from him and I didn’t listen to the bullshit coming through the phone.


And I am becoming the woman I want to be.
I’m also grieving the promise of love.  

 

The promise of connection and togetherness.  The promise of someone who will always be there for me no matter what.  The promise of understanding and comfort.

It is painful when those promises are lies. It is why people stay when there is so much evidence to the contrary. When they do not support, love or respect you, because at one time, they did. Maybe they can again, if I just… fill in the blank.

I’m hopefully over that wishful thinking. At least, every relationship I get better and quicker at figuring it out. I’m here to break away from my past and stop repeating the codependent bullshit I grew up with. My mother was a saint, a martyr, but she was never happy with herself. I’m doing work to change that, to change my karma and to do the thing I was put on this earth to do, to love rightly.

Love,
Rebecca A. Dombrowksi

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Self-care Weekly Assignments

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Ten things I don’t hate about PTSD either.

Fuck. After Brian employed Siobhan to find 10 good things about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, she told me about it, and then employed me to do the same.

While she had put time, thought and effort into coming up with her list, I am unable to do that.

My PTSD has me always in the present.

So when people are getting ready to leave a place, I can’t think that I should start my car with the remote I finally have for it to warm it up because I’m too focused on if we are going to hug goodbye and that I have to be ready for it if we are, because I have to make sure you like me and I’m doing this socializing thing correctly.
That literally just happened to me.

Like in my last post, I said it is really hard for me to think ahead because I’m so caught up in that silly old fight or flight nonsense every waking moment of the day. It’s also difficult for me to think back to anything (say, like thinking about Siobhan asking me to think of ways PTSD is good). I wouldn’t dream that was possible, until I read her post.

choose to become

So, I’m giving it a shot. Here goes:

  1. I am always present for my kitties. I know exactly how they are feeling (and if they are about to strike, like my older cat constantly does), and how many dots are on their nose at all times.
  2. I know what is wrong with me at all times. This one’s handy for building up my ability to get my needs met. I always know when I am uncomfortable and should ask for something to be different. Whether I do or not is completely up to me.
  3. I always know that there is not a person hiding in my backseat. I check pretty much every time I get in my vehicle. You know, whenever someone could be hiding back there.
  4. I have a severe empathy for other people. I know what it feels like to be broken, to be lost, to be scared and to feel alone. I can make that space for you and tell you I understand.
  5. am a caretaker to the hurt. I am the friend that will support you, that will cheer you up when you are sad, mad, upset, whatever. I am always aware of every little change in energy, and now, I know that that energy is not always being sent my way, and I can help people out of it.
  6. I have been a survivor for a really long time. I can show you how I got out of that when everything seemed insurmountable and every emotion seemed too hard to feel.
  7. I know who to watch out for. I can tell a change in tone in an instant. I know when someone is about to get loud and aggressive. I do not play that shit, and I do not allow my friends to deal with it either.
  8. I love the shit out of fun. I went through so many years being depressed and laying in bed watching TV. Now, I will go pretty much anywhere for a good time, and I bring the good time with me. It will not be dull around me. As you can see from our first blog post, #nofilter.
  9. I have suffered almost all there is to suffer. I have seen jails, mental institutions and rehabs, and I’ve never been in them. I’ve experienced the loss of both my parents. I have had crippling anxiety and depression and alcoholism and sex addiction and, and, and. My worst circumstances were as a child. There is no stopping me. It is only up from here.
  10. I go to great lengths and have big dreams. I have seen the depths of human emotion. I will stop at nothing to see the brightest of them. I will be a traveling editor. Watch me.
  11. I even have a bonus one! I go hardcore at my spirituality. I never stop growing, learning about myself and how I can become a better human to myself and the people around me. And this might be the best gift I have ever gotten!

healing

Orphaned at 26

Hey guys, I’m about to get real again. I know, I hate it too.

We had an overwhelmingly great time with my mom’s cousins and aunt that came in to Niagara Falls from California this weekend. They are beautiful, kind and courageous people, and I am honored to call them family. We had so many generations of incredible Italian people there. From great-grand kids to grand kids, and all the aunts and uncles one could hope for.

But I really miss my mom and saw her in all their eyes. We all have the same beautiful, large brown eyes in the Ruggerio family.

My mom passed away from metastatic breast cancer in September of 2016.

It feels like yesterday, one second ago, and forever that I have not had my mom on this earth, all at the same time. My heart has been broken open and there’s a gaping hole where she used to fit.

When my father passed 4, almost 5 years ago… wow. When my father passed, it was truly not as heart-breaking. I hadn’t really considered him a father for a many number of years before then anyway. But you can never, ever, replace the love of a mother.

There is no one that will ever support me in the endearing, enduring, never-ending loving way that my mommy has.
I have amazing support, between my aunts, my grandmas, don’t even get me started on my sister; along with my sponsor and my Buddhist members and leaders in the organization. I have so much support around me. If only I knew how to reach out and get it.

My father beat my mother and I pretty badly. The physical abuse was nothing compared to the psychologically damaging torture he threw our way with his words. It broke our psyches, our spirits and our self-esteem. We were shells of people living and bumping against one another in painful ways after my parents FINALLY divorced.

We did not know how to give or receive love for a long time.

Until I found the strength from the stars to end my period of not speaking with my mother, and everything suddenly changed. She was no longer the tormentor of my life, she was my frail, beautiful mommy that gave up her own life for her children’s.

I started chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo at the same time that I was seeing her again. Our relationship changed into one where I just wanted to take care of her and be there for her, as best I could.

She even chanted with me. And she was a devout Catholic. (She was studying to be a nun before she met my father.)

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I really just needed to write about my mom. I miss her like crazy, I feel like there is no point to living without her, but I carry her love with me and it keeps me going.

I have to be happy for her. I love you mommy. Goodnight.

Diwali 2017!!

We could not be more humbled than we were last night taking part in our friends Diwali celebration. My friend Julia and I were blown away by their kindness, their welcoming attitude, and the amazing food they made (less spicy just for us)!

It was a truly beautiful experience to be a part of. Everyone their was calm, peaceful, joyful and delightful. There was no alcohol, just vitality and fun. We sang songs, we danced, we ate and we talked. What more could you ask for?

Thank you to: Komal, Shika, Tejal, Purbarag, Vaibhav, Richa, Neha, Susan, Rimjhim, Bheeshma and all the others that made last night so incredible and special! We love you!!

sand artMeLightsKomalDiwali boardmenall of usdessert