Welcome to life on meds that work!!!
I am so beyond excited and thankful to be on medicine that is allowing my brain to function. I knew that the anxiety-driven brain I had been living with for 27 years was NOT up to par. I just thought I was dumb, broken, a mess that could not be fixed.
That belief and experience has caused me sooo much suffering and depression and more anxiety about not being good enough, and losing jobs because of it, definitely feeling inadequate at every job.
Now, I. CAN. THINK.
It is such an amazing revelation that I want to shout it from the mountaintops. I’m not dumb, I’m not broken or damaged beyond repair. I just needed the right combination of medicine that was prescribed to me by a doctor to help resolve so much of that. That was taboo and an unpopular and questioned opinion in a certain group in the 12 step group I am apart of. That held me and my life back for years. Of course, my non-belief in myself is what made their pressure a reality I could not say no to. I will take on what is mine.
And I will grieve what is mine.
A life that for years simply did not have to be as hard and torturous as it was. It was this shield of embarrassment that I held around me like a cloak that could not be taken off. It would only grow stronger in new and unfamiliar situations. So many friends was impossible. Keeping them was even harder. And it was even with my own family that I could not feel like myself or even enjoy their company for years. I was too busy comparing myself with everyone and everything.
Now, of course the medication did not do all the work. I have been striving for over 6 years to have more belief in myself and love and tolerance toward others. But I was getting almost nowhere before starting a regimen from a doctor that works with my brain chemistry. It was like putting in what felt like 8,000 pounds of effort and getting a sliver of hope and change.
And I am SO thankful I trudged on.
There was always that tiny little voice in my heart and gut saying, “What if it gets better tomorrow?” My mind would scream it wouldn’t and list all the reasons why. But I could not shake that tiny speck of hope, because, what it if was right?
Half the time, I didn’t even have that voice, I was just too scared to kill myself. But whatever the reason, I want to share this to let everyone know, it will get better, for you too.