The night before last, I was sitting in my car talking with my friend. I heard a noise behind me. I looked; there was nothing there.
We stayed talking for another half an hour or so, and in those 30 minutes, I looked behind me 4 more times, and wanted to much more than that. I had to check because my brain was telling me there was a serial killer, robber, murderer, behind me just walking up to kill me.
The next day was so much worse. I woke up with dread and horror. It hurt to breathe. Not physically, but emotionally.
Everything I did yesterday was a struggle. I had a panic attack while cleaning my cat’s litter box. Thoughts of defectiveness and incapability plagued me over the simplest of tasks – like driving my car.
Everything was overwhelming. Everything seemed too hard to accomplish.
The bright lights of the cars driving in front of me made me want to hide and run for cover. I felt as though I just couldn’t breathe. The thoughts of suicide came subtly and strongly all at once. Just randomly, as I was getting ready for bed, as I was reading (well, trying to focus on reading).
I am a logical person. I know that getting ready for bed is not a reason for killing myself.
And that just makes it that much worse. It is painful enough to have these thoughts and feelings, but to know that they are misplaced and unnecessary, it makes you think you are insane and unworthy of life. It is truly horrifying to live with.
You wake up the next day, not energetic and ready to take on the day. But tired. Tired of fighting for your life over menial tasks. Tired of the non-stop pounding of tyrannical thoughts racing through your brain. Tired of feeling like you are in a losing battle, so why try?
If you have read this the whole way through and you do not have PTSD, please, hug someone that does. Tell them they are worth life. Tell them you love and appreciate them and the battle they face.
It doesn’t take over my every day, and for that I am grateful. But for a long time, the randomness of it and the all-of-a-sudden of it, made me truly believe I was crazy and there was something seriously wrong with me and my brain. If you are suffering from these thoughts and feelings, you are not alone, and you are NOT crazy. Your brain is still trying to protect little you (whether you were young when your trauma happened or not) so please, just be easy on yourself on PTSD rough days, and take extra special care of the amazing person you surely are.
Love and light,